Affairs

“To Leave or Not to Leave: that is the Question”

Affair = It’s over!

Finding out or even suspecting your partner is having an affair is very painful. You feel scared, insecure, and uncertain about how to move forward.

Should you stay with him/her? Should you leave? Is his/her remorse real, or is it just a result of being caught?

So many unanswered questions to ponder: How long did it go on? What do they have that I don’t have? Why did it happen? Who is this other person?

Knowing if you should stay with someone after finding out about an affair is a very painful and difficult decision to make. Often, the initial response is: “It’s OVER!”

But, then after time passes and maybe your partner shows remorse, you begin to question whether you want to “end” the relationship.

This is an individual issue AND a couples issue.

What to do after an affair is typically the question the offended partner asks immediately.

The main thing that I would suggest is not to judge yourself for whatever mixed or conflicted feelings you may be experiencing. Maybe it is cut and dry for you, and you already know the answer. But that is not the case for everyone.

Sometimes the answer is found in the right questions we ask. Is this relationship repairable? Will he/she do this again? Can I ever trust them again? Or will this person hurt me once more? Is this the first time?

What should you be looking for…

When your partner shows authentic regret and remorse for the hurt they have caused, that only makes it more confusing. The trust is completely broken, and you are feeling the weight of what it means to truly feel alone.

Sometimes he/she takes full responsibility for what they did, but other times it feels like they are just making excuses and blaming it on your lack of sex – or the alcohol.

Vacillating between taking full responsibility and rationalizing their behavior seems to be the norm.

At times he/she seems like they are willing to repair the relationship – but that quickly changes from begging for forgiveness to angrily telling you to “move on.” Anytime you feel angry and distrusting, they seem to get angry back.

Or is there compassion for the hurt?

Do they accept and respond in an understanding manner the pain you have experienced?

Is there space for you to question them regarding a text or an email? Is he/she willing to remain remorseful and take responsibility even though, you, the partner continues to doubt and question them? Or does he/she become defensive and hostile?

Has the offender had enough and thinks you should be “over it” by now?

Finally, are they a Repeat Offender? If your partner is a repeat offender, how will you know if this remorse, responsibility-taking, and repairing are different from the other times? How do you judge if this person will do it again? What is different this time than the others?

In other words, serious trust has been broken, and are they willing to be humble enough to allow you to work through your mistrust?

How can therapy help?

Your decisions about your relationship need to come from the healthiest part of yourself. Often that takes some guidance and help to find that healthy part because fear and feelings of love and sadness can influence how you make your decisions.

Knowing how to move forward requires clarity. If children are involved or you are feeling confused as to what to do, then it is worth getting some help to make a good decision for yourself.

Your relatives and friends are not always the best sources of objective information. Of course, they will have certain agendas, and their own biases will be involved when giving you advice.

It is important that the decisions you make and how you move forward is coming from you and your strength, sense of empowerment, and clarity.

Feeling confused is very common in these situations. Other times the answer for yourself and your well-being is clear, and you have no problem taking steps to get things in order.

Sometimes just leaving a relationship seems impossible, and you might need support. Therapy can help in these instances.

There are many things to consider when deciding what to do. Is this a pattern of having multiple affairs? Is there physical abuse? Is the relationship worth saving? Is this a toxic relationship? Is there addiction?

All these issues must be addressed and looked at when deciding.

What if I want to stay together? (Couples Therapy)

Maybe you have decided to stay with him/her, but you are not sure how to make this work. I strongly suggest couples therapy.

I have worked with many couples who have gone through the painfulness of divorce, and some would say that they wished they had tried to make it work.

I have also seen some relationships come out much stronger after an affair because with the help of couples therapy they were able to work on their core issues and build a much stronger bond.

Surviving an affair is possible, but it does take a lot of work on both parts. It is difficult to manage on your own.

And the chances of relationships getting better are based solely on the steps the couple has taken to build a loving and trusting foundation. This not only takes time, but it also takes guidance.

Individual therapy can help.

Taking time for yourself to figure out what you want to do is natural. But what if you feel stuck and you feel like you are immobilized and powerless? You might be feeling pressure to go a certain way due to having children, or your parents and friends are trying to sway you in one direction or another.

No one seems to get how much pain you are in. No one seems to understand how much you have lost. No one seems to understand that you want to just curl up and hide. No one understands the shame and embarrassment you are experiencing. No one is there to just support you without an agenda.

Bring these concerns to me.

I provide a supportive, completely nonjudgmental point of view on these issues. I do not pretend to know the depths of your heart and pain, but I want to know. I want to help you find your strength again and the ability that is within you to make decisions that benefit you, first and foremost.

Only you know what is best for you. It’s hard to gain clarity about that when you have so many voices in your head telling you what to do or how to feel.

Give me a call today for a free 30-minute consultation. We can discuss what type of therapy (individual or couples) would be best in your situation.

If you are interested in Couples Therapy, please review my Couples Therapy page to see how I work. Either way, I will meet you where you are. Call now (562) 213-5318.