Sexual Orientation & Coming Out

Questioning sexual orientation is part of becoming self-aware.

Confusion about your sexuality is normal. Many experience that confusion when they hit puberty, but others may begin to question it later. In the past, there were clear ideas of sexuality, you are either straight or you’re gay. But now we realize that sexuality is more of a continuum.

Just as with our straight counterparts, sexual orientation is not just about sexual attraction. It is also about emotional and romantic attraction. Therefore, sometimes people can get confused and want to understand themselves better.

It is normal to question your sexual orientation. Whether you have already explored your sexual romantic attractions or maybe are not ready to, many times there is an internal conflict happening that makes it difficult to know what is what. It is a difficult time in your life, and sometimes help is needed to process these conflicting feelings.

If you are reading this, you are most likely going through a time in your life where you are questioning who you are and who you will become.

The process is not always simple, but it is normal.

Questioning your sexual orientation can be a time filled with anxiety and questions, but also full of marvelous moments and new experiences.

It is true that during this period, you could have some doubts about how you would look, about what others think of you, and about being accepted by your family and friends.

You could be preoccupied with questions about sexual desires, romantic relationships, and initiating sexual activities.

It is also possible that you feel attracted to both sexes. We call this bisexuality.

All of this is normal, and your questions and fears are understandable. No matter what you discover in yourself or what you feel, it is important not to panic. It is perfectly acceptable to feel this way and to have these desires.

It can be challenging for some to go through this process.

Over and above all the fears and concerns everyone must face, those who are questioning or who already identify themselves as gay or lesbian will have to contend with the fact that society as a whole is still not completely accepting and supportive of the LGBTQ community.

You may be worried that you will experience homophobic (anti-homosexual) reactions from family members, friends, and society, and this can be frightening. This is understandable and expected. I have experience working with those who want to carefully navigate the coming out process so that they can feel supported and have some understanding about how to deal with questions and concerns your family members might ask you about.

 

Take your time. Discovering your sexual orientation is a process.

Adolescence is a time of change, curiosity, and discovery. But, when you are older and realize that you are becoming more attracted to the same sex, this can be upsetting.

It means your sexual preferences might also change. When you are younger, you may have sexual experiences with same-sex partners, without concluding that you are lesbian or gay.

Whether you are in your early 20’s or late 40’s, or anytime in your life, you may come to discover that your same-sex attractions become stronger and stronger.

Be honest with yourself.

You may have a particular disdain or disgust with your same-sex feelings. These feelings are called internalized homophobia.

Internalized homophobia is very common in people who have religious, cultural, racial, or societal beliefs that cause them to feel “guilty”, “sinful”, or “wrong” about their feelings. Analyze your own internalized homophobic feelings.

The problem is that these are coming from outside forces that eventually get internalized. We can confuse these feelings to mean that we are wrong for our same-sex feelings.

If that is the case, then maybe it is time to seek help sorting them out.

“Coming out” means acknowledging your sexual orientation.

“Coming out” is the process by which a person acknowledges that they are gay, lesbian, bisexual, or questioning. Usually, this begins as an acknowledgment to yourself and later to others. The first step is accepting yourself.

Coming out is a continuous, lifelong process. Every day, all the time, one has to evaluate and re-evaluate who they are comfortable coming out to, if it is safe, and what the consequences might be.

For example, you may initially come out to your family, friends, or co-workers, but if, for example, you move to a new job or another city, you might have to repeat the coming out process with your new friends and co-workers.

It’s not always easy.

Coming out to another person can often produce anxiety because one is never certain whether they will be rejected for their sexual orientation.

Sexual orientation prejudice contributes to this stress and confusion, as lesbian, gay, or bisexual people come to terms with their identities. All must eventually decide whether and how to acknowledge their sexual orientation to themselves and others.

No matter what the others say or think, you are neither crazy nor sick. Same-sex attractions are not a mental illness, a disease, or a “sin.” Remember, our society is sometimes homophobic (anti-homosexual), so you may hear many lies.

This is a difficult decision and process with many possible routes and outcomes. For example, one can be aware of being gay but choose to spend considerable energy suppressing knowledge. One may come to terms with being a lesbian or gay man, but reveal it only to other gay, lesbian, or bisexual people. Or one may “come out” to some friends but not family or an employer, etc.

Gaining pride in who you are is a process.

While it is easy to state that we have no choice except to “be ourselves,” this may not be easy for the bisexual, gay, lesbian or transgendered person.

Individuals often experience much confusion about whether their feelings are genuine or healthy, as well as an awareness that these feelings imply an “unacceptable difference.”

Many try to live a “more acceptable” (heterosexual) life… or at least create the appearance of heterosexuality. But, as the person feels more accepting of her/his identity, s/he often begins to seek support from other lesbian, gay, bisexual people, as well as from some supportive heterosexuals in her/his life.

Hopefully, you will begin to feel a growing pride about your identity and begin to integrate it into your lifestyle and total identity.

The process is not the same for everyone.

In some instances, coming out can put an LGB or questioning person in physical danger or even cause their families to disown them. Therefore, it is very important for an LGBQ person to “test the waters” before coming out to people in her or his life.

Ideally, finding one or two friends who are accepting and supportive can lessen the negative effects of future potentially rejecting family or friends.

More importantly, an LGBQ person should make her or his own decision about when and how to come out and not feel pressured to do so in a specific way.

Each person’s life-situation is different. There is no perfect formula for “coming out” that will work for everyone.

Counseling can make this process easier.

For some, coming to terms with their sexual identity as well as coming out is easy and natural. There is no conflict and no difficulty. But for many across the country, that is not the case.

It is very important that you find a therapist who truly has done their homework and at least understands at some level the complexity of coming out in certain situations or the challenges of coming to terms with your sexual orientation in an unsupportive environment.

Why am I uniquely qualified to help you?

As a part of the LGBTQ community, I have personal experience with this process, plus I have educated myself in how to be the most affirming therapist I can be.

I pride myself (no pun intended) on having helped hundreds of clients come to terms with their sexuality and have helped them come out in a way that allows them to be who they are without losing relationships that are dear to them. To learn more, click on the “About me” page.

If you want to live a fully integrated life where you can be your authentic self, and you want the life that so many LGBT people currently experience, I can help you do that.

Our time together depends on your journey.

You may only need a few sessions to help you on your way. Or if you have more complex issues such as trauma, spirituality conflicts, internalized homophobia, or just plain fear when you think about coming out, you may require a longer path. Either way, it is okay! I will be there with you every step of the way.

Just give me a call at (562) 213-5318 or email stephanie@stephaniegonzalesmft.com.